Desperate Times

When life doesn’t go my way, I try not to fall apart.  Sometimes my efforts end up working.  Sometimes they don’t.  Let’s talk about a “don’t” time.  One day, I desperately needed a Dr. Pepper.  “Desperately” in this case, means, “I have to teach 22 first graders who are done with Valentine’s Day, hyped up on sugar, and just generally out of control; getting three hours of sleep leaves me slightly crabby (and by slightly crabby I mean something between Ursula the Sea Witch and the Queen of Hearts).”

My father taught me from a very early age that the answer to this type of problem (slight crabbiness from lack of sleep) is ALWAYS caffeine and NEVER an earlier bedtime.  Therefore, I made my way to the pop machine in the teachers’ lounge.  As I pulled some spare change out of my coat pocket, I realized something.  Something terrible.  I did NOT have the necessary 60 cents to purchase a Dr. Pepper from the lifesaving pop machine in the teachers’ lounge.

I had a quarter, a dime, and a nickel.  Now, most of my first graders wouldn’t understand that… so I will explain to you like I would explain to them, just for kicks and giggles.  A quarter is 25.  A dime is ten.  A nickel is five.  *Cue confused little children asking “Why is the dime smaller, but worth more?”  My answer is usually noncommittal and has to do with monkeys or some other silly animal being in charge of our monetary system.*  Now that we’ve cleared up that confusion, it is time for our daily math lesson, in which we realize that 25+10+5 is 40.  40 is less than 60.  I needed 20 more cents.  That is two more dimes, or four more nickels, or a quarter minus a nickel or SOMETHING.

My sleep-deprived, and Dr. Pepper craving brain told me that desperate times, well, they called for desperate measures.  I ran back to my classroom, in which I found my purse, in which I found a variety of incredibly worthless objects.  Three candy canes leftover from Christmas, a pack of gum, my wallet (which only contained pennies not accepted by the soda machine), and a pack of crayons, and possibly some chocolate, which was possibly consumed during the search for money.  It just so happened that one of my students walked into the room as I dumped the entire contents of my purse onto the table.  The following conversation happened while I continued looking for any worthwhile pieces of money:

“What are you doing, Miss Hansen?”

“Ummmm, looking for something.”

“What?”

“Money.”

“Why?”

“So I can get a Dr. Pepper.”

“Why?”

“So I’m not cranky.”

“Why?”

“Do you want me to be cranky?  AHA!!!!” (I had found two dimes!!!)

“No.”

“Then clean up this mess while I go get a Dr. Pepper.”

“Ok.”

My faithful student cleaned up my mess.  And life went on.  I was still slightly crabby for the rest of the day, but I had a Dr. Pepper, which is always my constant companion through trials and struggles of all sizes and proportions.

"Weddings"

As part of our human existence, we sometimes have days when our best friends leave us for time and all eternity.  I had a couple of those days recently.  It’s okay.  I don’t have an abandonment complex or anything… yet.  Well, at least not a fully developed abandonment complex.  Don’t worry, though, my friends are working on it.  They have formed a plan to create an abandonment complex so deep that I will need YEARS of therapy to recover.  Although I can’t see the entirety of their plan, I’ve already experienced part of it.  Two best friends have left me within the last month, and several other friends are planning their upcoming departures (they seem intent on calling these “weddings”).

Really, though, I know what a wedding is all about.  It’s when a man and a woman get together and decide they’re tired of all of their single friends.  They decide that they’re SO tired of their single friends that they’re willing to hang out together all the time for the rest of FOREVER.  I have recently discovered that I am usually one of the single friends that helps speed that decision along.  So, to all of you happily married/dating/engaged couples out there, you’re welcome.  To all of you unhappily married/dating/engaged couples, that’s what you get for leaving me.  So, if you feel the need to get married, apparently I’m one of those friends who’s really good at making that happen.  Seriously, people.  You can just ask anyone who has ever been friends with me.  They are ALL married/dating/engaged.  I’m practically a matchmaking service!  I should start charging…

Receptions and Attempted Deceptions

The evening began with much anxiety for the upcoming wedding reception (wedding reception:  a party that people throw because they don’t want to talk to their friends anymore).  This party was going to contain the following awkward components (in addition to the expected awkward parts of wedding receptions):

My ex-boyfriend (Ky)

My ex-boyfriend’s best girlfriend (Xana) (who I suspect was a partial cause of our breakup)

The bride and groom, who had broken up many times in the course of their relationship

Another ex-boyfriend (Sid), newly engaged to a girl who isn’t nearly as cool as me

My best guy-friend (Joey), who I hadn’t talked to in months, because his brother (Sid) was a jerk

Their roommate (Jorge), who I don’t like

The impending elopement of myself and Xander

The still-fresh wound of my other best friend’s wedding reception (at which Ky made an appearance)

As I arrived with my faithful wingwoman, Tyesha, I observed the room and found that Ky and Xana were present.  Together.  Talking.  Laughing.  So my jealous senses were tingling.  I looked frantically around the room for a boy.  Any boy would do.  I promptly found my bishop.  That didn't help my predicament, but meeting an adorable 5-year-old named Bella definitely helped.

As I was waiting for the arrival of Kayleen at the muddy buddies, I witnessed the entrance of Joey, Sid, and Jorge.  As angry as I was at Ky, I was strangely happy to see the three of them.  The jealousy factor was just too much to pass up! I headed over to greet them all with hugs.  I was mollified when Sid apologized for being a jerk.

We all reminisced about old times, and caught up with new developments (specifically, the awkward triangle between Ky and Xana and myself).  Jorge proceeded to show off his recently purchased red pants.

Kayleen finally showed up WITH muddy buddies!  It was the best part of the night.  She and I talked for a while.  The trio of boys socialized, mingled, and did their thing.  We all rendezvous-ed (that’s RON-day-voo-d) at a different location in the cultural hall around 8:30.  Then things really got interesting.  Sid really wanted to identify the man who broke my heart.  I cooperatively pointed out the stunning gorgeousness that is Ky.

At this point, Jorge asked me if there were any cute girls I knew there.  I decided it would be incredibly funny if I pointed him in the way of Xana… so of course I did.  Now, Jorge is just crazy enough to actually go and do what I tell him to.  Jorge and Sid went and took the two spots at a table next to Xana.

So… seating arrangement: Sid – Jorge – Xana.  Then I’m pretty sure Jorge freaked out, and he called me over.  I was acutely uncomfortable being that close to Xana… I had no idea what to say to the girl who unwittingly stole the love of my life.  Jorge and I went and found a quiet corner to talk.  As we were talking, Ky went and sat down in the spot Jorge had just vacated.

So… new seating arrangement:  Sid – Ky – Xana.  Sid knew exactly who Ky was.  Ky had no idea who Sid was.  Ky, being a polite human, introduced himself to Sid.

I reacted very calmly to this ironic turn of events by PUNCHING Jorge in the arm, and shouting “SHUT UP!”  I fled from the room to collapse on the couch in the foyer.  Jorge followed me into the foyer and tried to wrap me up in his arms and comfort me.  ***REMEMBER:   I DO NOT LIKE JORGE*** There was no comfort; only awkward laughter and me pushing Jorge away.

Sid walked in and witnessed my partial mental breakdown.  After I was mostly recovered, the three of us rejoined the festivities.  Our grand entrance contained the phrase spoken by Sid to Jorge: “Why are we not holding hands and skipping?”  I turned around and questioned their manhood, just as Ky walked over to awkwardly talk to me.

This is the new picture:  Sid (who broke my heart) walked into the room with me, Ky (who more recently broke my heart) came to join us, Jorge (who was trying to console me) ran away.  I was stuck in a very awkward triangle with Sid and Ky.  I didn’t want to talk to Ky.  I had to come up with an "out" very quickly. 

“Where’s Tyesha?”  I asked over and over again.  I kept asking until I saw her, and ran to the comfort of her presence.  As I was leaving, I heard Ky ask Sid, “Why do you look familiar?”  Sid responded, “Well, you probably know me because of Raila.”  It was at that moment that recognition dawned on Ky’s face... and I ran away with Tyesha.